you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
