i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
