She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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