Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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