the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
God, I missed his penis.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
