Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
