You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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