just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
