If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
