Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
