I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My feet surprised me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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