dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
