the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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