i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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