I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
