So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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