Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i will never coherently bang her
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
