I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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