I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
