I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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