We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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