he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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