So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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