Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
