we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
