I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
