i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
