How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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