it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
