one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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