i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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