Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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