the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
