a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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