paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
