Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
