I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
