she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
