I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
