sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
