You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
