well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize