I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
