every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize