I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
