Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
