I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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