At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
