2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
