dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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