you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
