the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
