I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
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