im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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