I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
