so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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