i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
