I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
