Can i not drive my cunt home
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
