Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
