if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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