Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i will never coherently bang her
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
