I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
