I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
