Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
