I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
