Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Oh god it's open bar.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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