I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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