my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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