I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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